What do you think Hell is like?
The Devils Welcome
Imagine walking through clouds of smoke to arrive at these rusty old gates, at the top in letters of nail scratches of desperation, it reads: “Leave all hope behind, ye who enter” (in five thousand languages), instead of feeling fear you feel relieved, “hope only gave me a moral responsibility…without hope I have no duties to fulfill my future dreams and therefore no work and nothing to be gained from this experience other than personal amusement…and if I gain nothing I can only loose what my sinful soul brings”.
As you hesitantly enter through the squeaking gates, you look down to the ground to see if it really is true what they say about Hell being paved with good intentions but all you see is pee and poo from the shock of the nervous newcomers who came before you…trying to avoid stepping on the filth you notice Brussel Sprouts growing in between, “so this is where they grow…no wonder they taste so bad!” you think out loud.Slowly approaching the light at the end of the tunnel-like cavern, your body is taken over by this uncontrollably catchy rhythm you soon realize is ‘The Macarena’ being looped over and over again eternally.
A few Macarena dances down the tunnel, you find yourself perplexedly standing and observing in awe at what will be your permanent residence for a very long time, not far from you stand a couple of buddies, one yelling to the other in excitement “I told you man!…didn’t I tell you? all the naughty and slutty girls make it down to Hell!!! this is going to be EPICCCC” as they stare at what appears to be Marilyn Monroe bitch-slapping Anna Nicole Smith for emulating her a few times.You can’t help but giggle as you see these very eager young men approach the lovely blondes prepared to make their moves failing to notice every single female down here seems to be wearing a chastity belt with the keyhole shape resembling a lot to the key worn on the chain around the neck of Satan who doesn’t take too long to make his presence noticed.
Majestically standing on top of a volcano rock surrounded by these mean looking hunchback Elf’s, Satan doesn’t look at all like what you expected, a man in his 60’s wearing glasses with a white long beard dressed in a red suit and a huge beer gut…”wait a minute!” you think to yourself, “isn’t that Santa Clause?…this explains a lot!, the red suite, evil little helpers, the use of the ho-ho laughter as in sinful ‘whore-whore’, leaving coals in your socks when your a bad boy (to prepare you for the environment of your future afterlife), his name being an anagram as well as a homophone: ‘Satan Claws’ and the similar silly test ideology of asking us to be good boys for 364 days a year/non sinner for a lifetime…in exchange for one day of a Christmas reward/one afterlife in Heaven, I use to be a menace as a kid all year around having all the fun I wanted instead of waiting for only 1 happy day with presents…no wonder I also chose the same option for the sinner test”.
Suddenly, you find yourself surrounded by the little hunchback Elf’s who are forcing you and all the other new arrivals to sit down on the ash covered ground as Satan prepares to speak,
“As the more perceptive of you have realized by now, this…is Hell, some of you may know me as Santa Clause from my winter escape charity job while others may recognize me from my autobiography ‘Devil – The original rebel’, but please…call me Nick, we like to keep it informal down here as well as infernal…ho-ho-he-he sorry, just trying to lighten up the mood.So lets see what type of sinners we have here today shall we?, condom and contraceptive manufacturers, Germans, oh and we have an Atheist…bet your feeling stupid now huh?…what else what else, argh!…why can’t you sinners be more creative and original? the usual psychopaths Murderers, kleptomaniacs Thieves, satyriasics & nymphomaniacs Adulterers, severely depressed Suicidal, honest Blasphemous, libidoly challenged Homosexuals…I see God is still playing his little games, giving humans mental illnesses to ‘test’ them and see if they will fight their own nature and obey him in order to make it someday into heaven, poor fools!, when will you realize the big guy has mummy trust issues from being the ‘almighty’ one without ever having a mother of his own…why do you think the teeth of all humanity still hurt from Adams & Eve’s mistake which I played a little part in, or why he wants you all to be buried 6 ft closer to this place instead of Heaven? It’s not so the heat from down here can make the soul in your buried body evaporate into the sky I can tell you that, you might all be his children but the only person he truly ever trusted was his favorite, Jesus, and look how he ended up, the rest of you are all his illegitimate indiscretions”.
“I’m always made out to be the bad guy when all I’m doing here is my job, can’t you see he created me this way to help him in the ‘test’ of the human race?” he said as tears ran down his cheeks, “*sniff sniff* I have feelings to you know…in the history of humanity nobody has ever prayed for me to reach out for the helping hand of God and I’m the one sinner that has needed it the most! why does everyone hate me? you are the ones committing the sins not me, just because I’m the bringer of bad news and enforce what you earned and deserve for not listening doesn’t mean you have to look at me with such disgust…it’s like the old Persians treating their messengers who brought good news as God’s but torturing and killing the ones that brought the bad news!, anyway that reminds me I have some pineapples to shove up Mussolini’s ass so lets get down to business.You will shortly be allocated into groups…the amount of pain you receive will depend on the quantity of sins you committed throughout your life, are there any questions?”.
Knowing you had acquired quite the collection of sins throughout your curious outspoken life you nervously raise your hand, “You!, what is your question?” he yells in a somber voice staring back with gazing eyes, in an insecure low breaking tone you ask, “This torture and pain your implying is all something that can only be felt physically…I hate to point out the obvious but aren’t we all souls here and therefore the only pain that we can feel is the pain of love through a broken heart? And if God is love and all the love is up in Heaven…”.
“Well well well…” he smerk’s, “we have a smart ass amongst us, you must be the Blasphemous one am I right? Elf’s!!!, dress him up as Peter Pan and escort him to Michael Jacksons chambers”.
Reason
So what is the reason Heaven and Hell exist? are they creations of the mind to try and find a way of balancing things out and reassuring ourselves that life is meant to be fair and the people who do good will be rewarded and the ones that do evil will be punished? I’ve never believed life was fair…ask the good people who get terminal illnesses, the families in poor countries watching their loved ones die helplessly from diseases and malnourishment, the victims of heinous wars and cruel suicide bombers both under the cover of religions or equally as noble motives, the children who have been abused by adults…does any of that sound fair? I’m sorry but the whole “destiny” excuse or “The Lord works in mysterious ways” nonsense just doesn’t cut it for me.
I do believe there is mysterious energies in the world that attract things to happen but I highly doubt that energy has any type of resemblance to what our human minds call a “conscience’ or ‘reason’ and is able to judge our actions and reward us appropiately…that’s my love and hate relationship with Karma, why can’t you be punished or rewarded immediately? why do we have to wait?
The most rational explanation is if you do bad things your conscious must not be as strong as you could hope for…if you hang around the wrong people sooner or later they’ll do wrongs to you…if you live the wrong lifestyle sooner or later you’ll come across the wrong person or the wrong side of the freeway lane, lack of conscious is a reflection of a low self esteem and someone who doesn’t esteem themselves much doesn’t take care for their own health, positive attitude, ambitions from life or self preservation instinct all attracting bad things, should our Conscious be our new religion?
Poor St. Joseph
I remember the first time I got into trouble at Catholic school and they sent me to talk to one of the Priests, I was a bit nervous and he said to me, “Don’t worry my son, God will forgive you because of your ignorance for you still have much to learn from the Bible”, in other words, if you don’t know about the rules of God a.k.a “sins” and the existence of The Devil, Heaven and Hell, you can’t be punished…so, why are they teaching us about them!!!? we could all go to Heaven with an ignorant get out of Hell religopoly card =|…I know, it would be dishonorable to the memory of Jesus, but I think we are already making his martyrdom death meaningless by not committing more sins which he gave his life for to give us that right =P …all I know is I wouldn’t want to be one of his step brothers Mary had with St Joseph =S, “Mum Mum, I discovered a cure for cancer…!” “pfftt, your brother was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities and died for our sins!”…I would of been quite pissed if I was St Joseph, if Mary was a virgin and was married to Joseph who probably had purple testicles from lack of action with his wife only to find out she was mysteriously knocked up by what she said was a “Divine Spirit”…I would of gone and nailed the wood delivery boys nuts to a chair…hold on, if Mary wasn’t married to God when she impregnated, wouldn’t that make Jesus a Bastard?…apart from the obvious adultery involved =o.
“You’re going to Hell!”
Any religious person who reads my above thoughts and fantasies will tell me I’m definitely going to Hell after this but for some reason…being told I’m going to Hell by someone who is bragging about going to Heaven makes me feel happy we aren’t sharing the same destination, besides, Hell has all the interesting, curious and adventurous people…I’d die of bordem up in Heaven with all the goody two shoes, and honestly, I think only people with a little bit of evil witt understand my rebellious writing outbursts…for apart from having a disturbed amusing mind I am quite the good boy =), not because I want to please God but being able to commit “sins” kind of takes away the fun and excitement that is involved in doing something prohibited.
And to those who sin, who knows, if ‘God is always watching’ than I’m sure you’re putting on a good entertaining show and giving him his money’s worth for creating us, don’t be a cowardly disgrace to yourself by reaching old age and repenting everything you’ve done and enjoyed in the process with your lack of maturity/life experience just because you know the ‘time’ is near, it’s like students cramming for their ‘finals’ after a year of slacking.
Final Thought
You know the funny thing of all this would be if Heaven and Hell really are a bunch of fairness self reassuring placebos…people who have dedicated their lives to behave how they’d think God would like, only to find out..the thing they couldn’t see, hear or touch surprisingly never existed, why not enjoy what is a sure thing which is what you have right now and are certain is real? If you have financial problems don’t pray to God for money…steal a bank and if your successful pray to God for forgiveness instead…if your not, be proud the 300 pound biker that is your cellmate, spooning you at night and tattooing a pair of boobs on your back is doing it for trying something big and risky and not some petty pick pocketing attempt.
“Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t like done to yourself” as my Grandma use to say and live a good life, if there really are Gods that are Just no matter of what religion, they won’t care if you worshiped them, kissed their feet and made their egos bigger or not…they will judge you based on the virtues you’ve lived by, however, if there are Gods that are Non Just, then they wouldn’t be worthy of worshipping and you’ll go to Hell anyway…and finally, if there are No Gods At All, you’ve lived to the fullest, have a clean conscious and won’t have anything to regret.
The whole concept of the afterlife comes down to PeanutButter, does God like his smooth or crunchy? 
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